im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
