Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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