if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
