how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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