the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
