If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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