No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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