Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
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I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
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Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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