i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
