Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
