We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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