You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
