I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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