i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Everyone says I win the strip club
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
