Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
