hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
