Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
