I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
