shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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