his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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