I've blown a few things in my day
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
