She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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