I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
