I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
