just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
