If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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