I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
