you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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