Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
he thought i was a dude.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
