My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
the liver wants what the liver wants
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
