We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
