White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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