I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Randomize
