Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
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