I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
