Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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