dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
