The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
