Well apparently he's into motor boating.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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