I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
