If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
