I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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