I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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