Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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