I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
