hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
