new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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