i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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