man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
