I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
