HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
