my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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