If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.