i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He better not be in your backpack
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
