we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
