I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
