i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
