I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
